For many of us the words stress, test, rules and mortgage in the same context triggers the stress response. It would be easy to list secondary reasons for such a response. However, the stress some experience in response to the new “stress” test required to qualify for a mortgage; may be primarily related to our ongoing, deeper emotional relationship with money.
In my case, I spent approximately 15 years in higher education and very little learning focused on 1) an understanding of money or 2) how to use money effectively towards the life I wanted to design for myself. In hindsight, it started with me buying into other people’s notions prior to high education about my perceived lack of ability to learn math, science, business, etc. or deal with money.
What I also bought into was the preponderance of scarcity thinking. Many of us have received messages that include misbeliefs about money. For example, that there will always be a scarcity of money in our lives that we have no control of. Only certain other people are worthy of having money. We can only make money at the expense of our overall mental, emotional, and physically well-being. And/or we need to limit our growth and well-being based on our financial limitations.
My strained relationship with money and a focus on daily survival led to a very stressful and emotionally painful experience with selling my first home. I share this part of my journey so that others out there know that they are not alone. Since then, I have chosen to develop a positive relationship with money that continues to evolve. I now embrace mistakes as part of the process (while avoiding a repeat of them) because it raises my awareness about “knowing what I don’t know”. In turn, I have learned to be more receptive, assertive, proactive, and make this area of my life just as much, and at times more, of a priority than other areas of focus.
It is only natural that if you have a less than desirable relationship with money and you are entertaining getting or renewing a mortgage (given the new rules) to be tempted to put your head in the sand. However, dealing with any stressor demands doing the opposite. Facing and clearly defining specific fears, diminish their power and fosters the mental clarity that we need to confront them.
Hence, in order to improve our relationship with money and mortgages we need to first name our specific fears. Are you afraid of being tested? Are you afraid of experiencing additional stress? Do you assume that change means failure in your future? Are you otherwise, struggling with a toxic relationship with money in general? Regardless of the fears identified, we then need to question whether our fears are rational or not.
It is my belief that the answer will come from seeking more information on the perceived “threat” – the stress test. In other words, find out what you don’t yet know. Here are some ways to do this:
- Take a risk and believe in your ability to learn more about the topic by doing your own research. There is not excuse with the internet and other ways to access information. Dare I say – Go Read.
- Seek out experts on the topic. Don’t assume you are one. Be open to coaching and support. Others will teach, if you choose to believe that you have the ability to learn and grow.
- Go to more than one expert and gain consensus on accurate, factual information.
Once you have educated yourself, you will have a clear picture of what you need to be concerned about. Come up with a plan and take the steps needed to execute it effectively. In other words, figure out how to eliminate your personal financial threats which could hinder your ability to pass the stress test and do the work to make it happen. This may demand major life changes. Do you need to do any of the following:
- Choose to make your money and/or mortgage a significant priority in your life?
- Partner with a financial advisor/planner to address your financial health?
- Seek professional guidance to raise awareness about and change the negative thoughts and emotions that sabotage the quality of relationship you have with money and life?
- Examine and change how you spend (e.g. alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, eating out, and shopping).
- Be more reasonable/practical about the timing of your application for a mortgage, the size of the mortgage, the size of the house, the timing of house purchase etc.
- Be more organized, disciplined, structured, make better choices and manage stress in your life in general?